Terror...

...thats the only word for what I am feeling right now. It is not the nebulous terror I often experience when thinking of what may one day come to pass. It is the immaculately clear and sharp terror that accompanies what is certain. I find myself longing for that recent past when I simply existed without really living. Longing for a time when there was nothing inside me but contempt for life. There was no reason for me to fear death at that time. My life has changed. I now have goals I want to reach and a renewed sense of the importance of our species. What is certain? Death, disappointment, failure, but also life, love, happiness and success. What is certain is that the exact recipe of my life is unknowable to me. I know with certainty that anything can happen to me at any moment. I know how to end this terror, but the sacrifice necessary is one I will never make again.